How to make friends as an adult

Comfort. Connection. Common ground.  That’s a good start to making adult friendships.  The stakes seem higher when you’re older, but that’s because you have greater expectations.  When you’re young, you might just hang out with whoever is in your neighborhood or school.  But when you grow up, friendships become more intentional and take a lot of work.  The great thing about adult friendships is that they can be so rewarding.  It’s worth it to put your head and heart into it.

Know Yourself

When you are in touch with yourself, you have a greater capacity to meet people.  You also have more to offer others.  With age comes more flexibility and adaptability, which helps with relationships.  New phases in your life, such as starting a job, going to college, parenthood, etc. can change what you’re looking for in a friend.

Self-love is the start of going out to make new friends. When you are filled up, you have much more to offer others.  Reach out to others with your “feel good” energy. You might explore groups that interest you, such as outdoor activities, volunteering, classes, and support groups.  Ask yourself what kind of time commitment you want to put into friendships.  Decide whether you want deep relationships where you can bear your soul or if you want to keep it casual by enjoying activities together.

You may have friends for different reasons and seasons that fit in with your life. Certain times can be more challenging, like when you have children.  Being single or suffering a recent loss can put you in a different space, so allow for that.  Understand that relationships of all kinds can be messy and risky, but that meaningful connections are ultimately good for your well-being.  Show your friends how much you support and appreciate them, and it will come back to you many times over.

Be a friend to make a friend

Showing up and putting in the effort and time is the first step to making friends as an adult. It takes energy to build a relationship and it requires nurturing.  Our first experiences with friendship are good learning opportunities.  Whether you found it hard to make friends as a young person or not, adult relationships take a bit more finessing.

Past friendships can be good learning experiences. We might have insecurities that we need to address or overcome to be better friends in the future. Maybe we experienced or were guilty of creating one-sided friendships in the past. But now we understand that a true, meaningful friendship means both giving and taking—a back-and-forth between two people where they respect boundaries, choices, and each other.

From past friendships—and friendship break-ups—we learn that good friendships are built on good communication which fosters trust and honesty. Part of good communication is listening. Our friends need to feel safe and comfortable with us and vice versa. Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable will create a genuine emotional connection. Good communication also means showing up for and not “ghosting” our friends. Get on your friends’ calendars! This can look like meeting regularly in person, scheduling phone or video calls, checking in via text, etc.

Adult friendships need consistency and commitment. We have to make the effort, put in the energy, and take time to grow our friendships. In other words, we have to be a friend to make a friend. You will get what you put into it.  That also goes for what qualities you need in a friend.

Identify your needs

Remember that adult needs for a friendship can be different than in your younger days. Needs in later life change as you seek different kinds of connections. A quality friend provides joy, support, and encouragement in the good times and even in times of heartache and hardship.  Searching your heart and thinking about what you need from a friend and what you have to offer them will be time well spent.

Ask yourself, “What kinds of friendships work best for this time in my life?”  How many friends would make me fulfilled and happy?  Who are my people?  Who is “safe?”  “Do I need a ‘ride or die’ kind of friend?”  Are work friends included as well as family friends?  “Do I embrace the diversity within my circle of friends?”  Each friend brings unique gifts and perspectives and that should be celebrated.

Common ground builds a foundation for friendship. Your interests and passions point you to activities you enjoy doing.  That can include just “hanging” with a companion and talking. You get to decide what you’re seeking in a friend and if that person makes you feel valued and loved. Identifying your needs is important in mature relationships and establishes expectations for those involved.  Finding a good friend match makes life sweeter. It all starts with self-love and is key to going out and making new friends.

Adult friendships are one of the great joys in life. They’re worth the time you put into them when you consider the many benefits.  They’re a great boost to your mental health and overall well-being. Having a friend who “has your back” makes you feel supported and “seen”. That’s what we’re all looking for: connection.  Being able to share our lives with others allows us to live a happy and long life.

 


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