I feel like I’m missing out on my kids’ lives because of my addiction

It’s true that in addiction, we miss a lot of things.  We miss out on opportunities in our lives and our friends’ lives. We can even miss the most important lives of all—our kids’ lives. Raising kids doesn’t come with a manual and is already difficult.

But missing out on your kids’ lives because of an addiction can make you feel bad. Feeling guilty is okay and can be overcome. A lot of us in recovery have gone through the same with our kids. It’s a fragile process, and it’s important to let things unfold naturally while focusing on your recovery.

Be honest with them and yourself

Honesty is the best policy and kids handle honesty differently than adults.  Kids are very honest, maybe to a fault, and can handle a lot of things you tell them. So being honest with them is very important. Open the lines of communication for their sake.

Being honest with yourself is important too. You really must look at the bigger picture of what you can offer your child and keep reality in perspective.

Here are some questions you may need to ask yourself to be honest in your current situation:

•  Can you keep a roof over your kids head or are they at risk of homelessness?  
•  Can you make sure your kids get enough to eat each day?
•  Can you take them to school and get the kids there on time?
•  Can you provide your kids everything they need in order to live a full life? 
•  Are you setting a good example for your kids on how to live a life of responsibility?
• Is there a better life that can be offered to your kids? 

Depending on your answers to these questions you may want to consider an alternative living arrangement for your kids, be it with a family member or a close friend. You may also find that you are perfectly capable and just need some support.

There are plenty of resources, sorted state by state, that can assist people with taking care of their children.  Do not feel bad if you need help!  Everyone raising kids has had to ask for help at some point in their life. You should be proud of yourself for reaching out.

Remember, it might take some time to earn your kids’ trust back. It might take a while for them to come around because a lot of time was missed, and they were let down, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

Your addiction affects them

Addiction affects everyone around you and some of the most important people around you—your kids. Broken promises, lack of attention, and not showing up for activities can really bother them.

Adverse effects can happen when your kids lack what they need in their lives. They can act out, getting into trouble at and outside of school. Loving your children part-time and giving gifts is not as important as being there for your kids. What they really want is you and your attention.

Here are a few tips on ways you can be there for your kids and mend broken relationships:

•  Learn to speak to your kids with a calm voice. This is especially important if you have yelled a lot in the past.
•  Do not leave your children without you for days. Give constant attention and reassurance that you are here now and plan on staying.
•  Be completely honest with your children. Tell them you have/had a problem, are getting help, and want to rekindle a relationship with them.
• Don’t make empty promises. Follow through on what you say you are going to do.
• Show simple signs of affection. This can be as simple as a hug, a hand rub, or a gentle pat on the back.
• Show interest in your kids’ lives. Ask them open-ended questions about school and/or their personal lives.
• Show up for those extra-curricular activities. Be present because it shows you care and are willing to make that effort.
• Turn your living arrangement into a home for your kids. Stock the refrigerator, make them feel comfortable, and create that trusting, nurturing environment.
• Set an example for your kids.  Let them see you are improving yourself and the relationships around you. Let them see that hope, recovery, and resilience are possible.

Focus on healing, recovery, and moving forward

Recovery is a process. The goal of recovery is healing and moving forward in your life.  If you focus on these things, you are showing not only yourself but your kids that you are now a willing participant in life.

Healing is an important part of recovery.  Healing yourself first and past relationships is a great way to set an example for your kids on how to fix problems in their lives.  You are showing them that you are resilient and can come back and fix things, including yourself, if you make a mistake. It takes time, but having a positive connection with your kids is worth the battle. Focus on recovery, and the rest will fall into place.