I think about how to kill myself

If you have started to think about how you want to kill yourself, your suicidal thoughts are no longer passive. You may have been suffering for a long time, and when your brain is clouded by despair and hopelessness, suicide seems like the only way to make the pain stop. But it’s not the only way.

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

If you’ve been having suicidal thoughts for a while, but you haven’t had a plan, making a plan means that things are escalating. The suicidal thoughts may be overwhelming but for most people who work through them, they are grateful that they chose not to follow through on impulsive, distressing thoughts. Just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that you have to go through with it. Even in a crisis, there are things that you can do to keep yourself safe and alive.

My first panic attack was at 7, first time had suicidal thoughts at 11. My nephew saved my life. I was lucky he was there. I’m grateful because now that I’m an adult I’ve learned that depression comes and goes. I’ve learned how to manage my depression and things can get better.

Understanding your own risks

Take some time to reflect on your safety. Understanding your own risks can help you figure out how to tell others what you are experiencing and how to get support.

It takes an incredible amount of courage to push through your fear and tell someone that you are suicidal. Telling someone about your thoughts about how to kill yourself is scary because you don’t know what will happen next. And it’s okay to be afraid. Planning ahead can help you feel more in control about how to share what is happening and what kind of help you need.

Here are some questions to help you reflect on your thoughts and experiences:

• What is it that makes you think about dying?
• Does thinking about a plan feel good?
• How much do you feel like you would follow through with your plan?
• How long have these thoughts been happening?
• How frequently do these thoughts occur?
• What triggers or warning signs have you been experiencing?
• Do you have a plan, or have you decided on how you want to die?
• How can the person you tell support you?

Based on your answers to the above questions, sharing with someone can sound like: “I’ve been thinking of killing myself. I’ve been feeling this way for X time. I’m not planning to follow through.” Or “I feel afraid that I want to follow through. Can you help me with X?”

When you’re ready, tell someone about your plan

The goal of talking to someone is safety. You don’t have to be alone in this process. When you share what you’re feeling and thinking, someone can help you, but without sharing, getting help may feel hard or impossible.

Telling someone about your plan doesn’t have to be a face-to-face conversation. You can send a text or DM, make a phone call, or write your thoughts down in a letter and give it to them. You get to decide the most comfortable way for you to have this uncomfortable conversation. This article can help you think through what you want to say.

Who can you tell?

• Friends, family, and loved ones: If you tell friends, family, or loved ones, you should know that they may not always know the best way to help. Let them know that you are telling them because you need their support. They may be afraid, sad, angry, etc., because they don’t want to see you hurt, but their reactions and feelings shouldn’t stop you from reaching out for help.
• A hotline, warmline, text line, or other crisis line: You can always call the suicide prevention hotline or text the crisis text line to get the support you need. There is a counselor who is ready and prepared to offer mental health support any time that you need it.
• A mental health professional: It’s important to share your plan with someone, especially a mental health professional— your therapist, your psychiatrist, etc.— so they can get you the help that you need.

Sharing your experiences shows that you have the courage to heal and recover from the pain you’re experiencing.

When suicidal thoughts keep coming back

Maybe this is not the first time you’ve had thoughts about how you’re going to kill yourself. You can become stuck in a cycle of thinking about your plan, death, and suicide—and this is a painful and dangerous place to be.  But distractions and coping skills can help you break this cycle by giving you other things to focus on.

Here are some examples of things you can do to help get out of this cycle:

• Find a list or make your own list of things that make you feel good.
• Do something that requires focus.
• Try meditation and deep breathing.
• Write it out or journal.
• Use DBT strategies. 
• Remove means to anything that can harm you.
• Create a crisis plan.

These coping skills and distractions become the things that you lean on when your thoughts feel like too much. These are the things that help you move toward recovery and healing. And they also help your suicidal thoughts become less intense over time.

If you need immediate help, you can reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or using the chat box at 988lifeline.org/chat. You can also text “MHA” to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. Warmlines are an excellent place for non-crisis support.