What do I say if I’m misgendered?

When someone uses pronouns that you do not identify with, they are misgendering you and it can feel invalidating and hurtful. Misgendering is when someone uses language like pronouns or other gender-specific words that go against your gender identity, especially if you are transgender.

Gender is a social construct that we created to categorize and label who we are as people. But gender is a spectrum of experience that is personal to each individual. Don’t let someone’s inability to see you and celebrate you for who you are ruin your sense of self. You are exactly as you are meant to be, and you deserve to be celebrated!

Being misgendered in the workplace

Being misgendered in your place of work can be and feel especially difficult to navigate. People who are trans often feel that they cannot correct someone at work for fear of losing their job. If you or someone you know is feeling this way, you are not alone.

How do I correct someone at work?

If you’re in an environment where you can safely express your gender identity at work, there are a few ways to correct coworkers when they misgender you.

• Observe if they are misgendering you purposefully or by mistake. If they are doing this by mistake, they may apologize to you, tell you that they are trying to get better, and they will not be offended or upset when corrected.
• When a coworker misgenders you, you can simply follow the misgendering with the correct pronoun or word. For example, if you use she/her pronouns and the coworker uses he/him – simply follow their use of the word with she or her, as appropriate. Usually, when you correct someone this way, they will apologize for the mistake and move on, trying to use the correct pronouns or language.
• If someone is purposefully misgendering you, find support. You can speak with human resources or a supervisor you are comfortable with and trust. If someone at work is misgendering you, there are resources available to help create a more inclusive workplace.

Also, if you work in an inclusive, safe environment, you can use items like clothing or jewelry to visually remind your coworkers of your pronouns. Remember, correcting someone who is misgendering you purposefully is a fruitless task, as they know what they are doing is wrong and have no intention of changing it. Being misgendered is never acceptable behavior. You and your identity are valid. And you deserve to be accepted and celebrated for being you!

Will correcting someone who misgenders you jeopardize your job?

Though trans visibility has improved in recent years, you may find that you are in a workplace or town that just doesn’t get it. If you find that you’re in an environment like this, you may want to keep your gender identity, presentation, and pronouns private.

You may want to choose your battles and look for other employment if you are able to.  For example, a great option could be working a remote job from home if you’re in an area that is unwelcoming and unaccepting. Remember, the most important things to consider are your safety and well-being.

Working for an LGBTQ+ organization, non-profit, or community center may be a great option if there is one in your area. These can be accessible and safe spaces to work, often with coworkers that also identify as LGBTQ+.

Being misgendered in public

In public, people will generally use whatever pronoun they assume is correct. For example, they associate feminine appearances with women and she/her pronouns. And they associate masculine appearances with men and he/him pronouns.

Make sure you pay attention to the environment you’re in before choosing whether to enforce your pronouns. If you’re in a safe space, and you want to correct someone, you can do so by telling them about your pronouns.

Remember to trust your gut! If there is something that seems off to you about a person or the place you’re in, then trust that instinct. Remember to only enforce your pronouns in environments that you are safe to do so in, and don’t put yourself in a potentially dangerous circumstance.

Public bathrooms are notoriously self-policed spaces that can lead to uncomfortable situations for any trans person. You do not owe anyone proof of your right to use the restroom. If you need to, wait until the person leaves the restroom or go get a staff member for help. Remember to be safe first, and address misgendering only if you are able to do so safely.

Being misgendered by your loved ones

When your loved ones misgender you, it can be incredibly hurtful. They may refuse to respect your gender identity and may misgender you and use your deadname, or typically, your name assigned at birth and associated with the gender assigned at birth.

This is painful when coming from someone we assume will love us unconditionally and without judgment. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case in all families or friend groups.

Here is what you can do:

• Know when and that it’s okay to cut ties. Similarly to coworkers, if you can see that your loved one is trying to learn and grow, then they will be open to your correcting. But if they show you they are unwilling or unable to change, then it may be time to limit their access to you. If you are able to do so, you may want or need to cut them off to protect yourself and your peace.
• Find people who celebrate you. Make new connections with people who celebrate you! You can reach out to local LGBTQ groups, or attend local LGBTQ events to find community. For people who live in rural areas, you can use this site to help you connect with others.

Remember that you are just as you are meant to be. Your gender identity and pronouns are valid. You deserve to be celebrated for your authenticity and exactly who you are!

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