My family doesn’t respect my identity

Feeling disconnected from your family or relatives can feel hurtful and lonely. You may argue with them, have difficulty seeing eye to eye on certain topics, or you may never get along with certain people in your family. And though it may be painful, it’s okay to feel this way and you are not alone in this. You are not obligated to play nice, censor yourself, or diminish yourself in any way to keep the peace.

What they said

People who identify as LGBTQ+ are especially at risk for difficult moments with family members. You may have a family member who uses your dead name (the name you were given at birth that you no longer use or identify with) because they refused to respect your identity. They may purposefully use the wrong pronouns for you because they disagree with who you are.

Some family members may bring up sensitive or triggering topics when you are around. For example,

• Politics like the election, laws, or political parties
• Local LGBTQ+ organizations or functions they disagree with
• Family structure and values as it pertains same-sex parents
• Media that portrays LGBTQ+ lives
• Past arguments that they know upset you
• Religious views that are anti-LGBTQ+
• They may support corporations that are anti-LGBTQ+

How it felt

Feeling upset or hurt when family members behave in these ways toward you is normal. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t deserve to be mistreated for being yourself!

Identifying your triggers is a great first step toward a solution. If you know that a particular family member goes out of their way to be judgmental of you, then try to limit their access to you. You are not obligated to give them your time—especially if they are not treating you with the kindness and acceptance you deserve.

Remember that everyone sees things through their own lens, and it is different from the way you view a situation.  The way we see the world is shaped by our lives and personal experiences and everyone has a unique story. There may be times when your family members can’t or won’t see things the way you do – and it’s going to be very frustrating.

What I need

For some people, using radical honesty or pointing out the obvious is a great way to stop these behaviors in the moment. It’s okay to tell someone that they hurt you. You could say things like,

• It hurts me when you don’t use my pronouns, or when you use my dead name
• The way you’re speaking to me isn’t respectful
• Please don’t speak to me that way
• I am going to step away and we can revisit this conversation when you’re able to treat me with respect

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries to protect and focus on your own mental wellness! Sometimes that means detaching mentally from a situation to protect your mental health. If someone is refusing to drop an issue or walk away, you may benefit from removing yourself mentally from the situation. And not engaging any further. The goal is to not let their words affect or alter your mental state.

But sometimes when a family member says something triggering, you might not feel able to respond right away. You may have a “freeze” response. Or maybe you’re feeling exhausted that day. And that’s okay.  If you don’t stand up for yourself in the moment, you don’t have to feel guilty or upset with yourself.

Giving yourself the time and space to process before responding is a way of showing yourself love. Maybe you want the time to go home and write down exactly what your boundaries are and how you want to communicate them. Then, you can try reaching out to that family member later to share how their words hurt you and how you would like to be treated going forward. It’s okay to take time to figure out what your needs are and how you want to ask for them.

Learn and use healthy coping skills

Coping skills are healthy strategies to manage your feelings when you’re upset or stressed. Using coping skills can help to reduce the difficult emotions you are feeling and bring yourself back to your baseline – think of this as your average daily emotional state. Some examples of coping skills are

• Deep breathing or meditation
• Mindfulness
• Take a break
• Journaling
• Do something you enjoy
• Listen to music
• Go for a walk
• Connect with people who support and love you
• Talk about your feelings

You can read more about coping strategies here.

Remember in a difficult conversation to breathe, don’t be afraid to take a second to slow down when you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed. Identify the trigger (“what they said”), understand your reaction (“how I felt”), and find a solution (“what I need”).

You may never get along with some family members and that is okay! Your job is to prioritize yourself and your own happiness. You deserve to heal from trauma and get help when you need it. Remember that you do not have to change yourself to make someone else feel comfortable.