Am I in denial?

After a while, when we experience a loss, it feels like the whole world has moved on, and we should too. So we ignore the feelings that come up–overwhelm, anger, sadness, regret, etc.–stuff them down, bury them, ignore and deny them. But eventually, all that is hidden comes to the surface. Even if the loss that we experienced was weeks, months, or even years ago, we can still feel the pain that comes with it.

In fact, you can still grieve after fully accepting the loss or change in your life. This isn’t a bad thing because we all learn to live with grief over time. But no matter how you experience grief at some point we all go through denial.

Can denial ever be healthy?

Denial is avoidance. This looks like avoiding accepting the truth or reality of the loss or change that happened. It can also look like avoiding, burying, or refusing to deal with or acknowledge your true feelings. Denial is a normal and natural reaction to an event, especially if you experience something traumatic that causes you to grieve.

Sometimes, denial can be a healthy space of avoidance. For example, you need to get through the school or work day or focus on something major like doing a big presentation or a sports competition. Denial may help you get through it. But while it helps keep you focused and moving through time, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are healing. You are pushing away and bottling up your emotions to be able to complete tasks, but you aren’t allowing yourself to fully face the situation at hand.

When is denial a problem?

Denial gives us a false sense of control in situations where we don’t have it. The truth is that we can’t control every situation that happens in our lives, but we can control our reactions to them. But this lack of control may lead to a strong desire or overcorrection to control what you can. This may include trying to control our relationships, eating habits, and even finances.

Staying in denial long-term is not good for us. It’s unhealthy to avoid the bad things that happen in life and the tough feelings that come with them. To feel better and heal, we must address our feelings and let ourselves grieve.

How can I move beyond denial?

There will be a point where denial and avoidance don’t serve you anymore and cause you to stop and sit with negative feelings and thoughts. It is great to acknowledge these feelings, but after a while, sitting and dwelling on them may be more detrimental than helpful. Here are a few suggestions that may assist you in getting past denial:

• Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance means accepting that you can’t change what happened and seeing reality for what it is. This is hard to do when you think about the emotional toll that accepting a loss can have on us. But it is possible. Here is a worksheet that can help you understand radical acceptance.
• Make time for self-care. While you do need to give yourself space to grieve, you also must give yourself space to heal. Don’t feel bad that you are taking care of yourself. Find an activity that helps you clear your mind and relax. It is okay to smile and have fun while you’re grieving.
• Start a journal. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with anyone else, journaling is a great outlet to free up your mind. You will be able to have all your thoughts out in a safe, private, and protected environment.
• Talk to someone. Talk to your friend, parent, or someone you trust and just vent. Venting is different than complaining and different than asking for help. It gives you time and space to just air out your feelings without the expectation of advice or steps to fix a situation. It is like journaling, but out loud.
• Ask for advice or perspective. Grieving is hard to do alone, so when you are ready, ask someone you trust for advice or their perspective. Ask them what they do to cope with grief. They may be able to offer resources like support groups, books, podcasts, or coping strategies that can help.
• Call a hotline or a warmline. Warmlines are an excellent place for non-crisis support. They are staffed by peers who have had their own mental health experiences and are there for support.  If you need immediate help, you can reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or using the chat box at 988lifeline.org/chat. You can also text “MHA” to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
• See a therapist. A good therapist helps you reflect on why you feel the way you feel. They also assist in helping you understand where your expectations come from, where your experiences come from, and how to recover.

Everyone’s timeline for going through the various stages of grief and healing are all different.  Give yourself time to be patient and gentle. There is no set path towards healing. The way you process grief is the right way for you.