How do I break up with a toxic person?

Healthy relationships are a wonderful part of our lives. But not all relationships are good for us. Some relationships undermine our well-being and happiness, and some can be downright toxic.

Occasional conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, but a continual pattern of emotional harm can lead to bad mental health.  Giving yourself the right tools to make a breakup go smoothly will allow you to get on the road to a happier life and seek out healthier connections in the future.

It’s important to remember that when we use toxic, we’re not referring to an identity or a label for a person, but as a reflection that people sometimes engage in unhealthy behaviors. And it’s vital for us to know that people who want to change their behaviors can.

Reflecting on the relationship

Self-reflection is an important first step in breaking up with someone with unhealthy behaviors. It’s okay to ask yourself, “Is what I am experiencing normal?” And “Is this relationship harming me in any way?”  

Here are some other questions you may want to consider:

• Do they make me feel “on edge” or anxious? 
• Am I worried about how they will react?
• Do I feel belittled, stupid, inadequate, confused, tense, dissatisfied, or isolated from others?
• Am I dealing with someone who uses manipulation and makes me feel guilty or like I’m “at fault?”
• Does my relationship bring guilt, shame, or denial in my life?
• Am I feeling emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, and fear?
• Am I experiencing episodes of depression, anxiety, losing sleep, changes in appetite, or health issues?
• Do I feel mentally, emotionally, and physically safe in this relationship?

By reflecting, you may notice red flags like emotional harm, manipulation, disrespect, controlling behavior, and frequent arguments. And you may realize that trying to fix the relationship over and over with the belief that things will get better may not be in your best interest.

Self-reflection can also help you put your relationship into perspective. If you find that your relationship is not a mutual give-and-take, it may be time to reconsider it. Another thing to think about is codependency.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel like I can’t exist or do anything without this person?  
• Has this relationship negatively changed who I am?
• “How does it make me act?” Am I emotionally reactive?
• Do I find myself acting jealous and possessive? 
•  Am I finding a need to control the other person? 
• Do I feel like my behaviors are healthy? 

Remember that you are always deserving of respect—especially from yourself. It’s okay to prioritize yourself and make your own decisions in the relationship. It’s okay to recognize that your feelings are valid and trust your gut if something about the relationship doesn’t feel right. You are allowed to reconsider if this relationship has value for you, decide if it is what you truly want, and question if you deserve better.

No relationship is worth sacrificing your self-respect.

Setting boundaries

Creating good, firm boundaries is another step you may take before saying goodbye for good. Setting limits can lead to a healthier relationship. Checking in with your partner allows you to adjust your expectations and needs. It also allows you to practice self-care and protect your time and energy.

If it feels safe, you can voice your concerns to the other person. Let them know what behaviors you find acceptable and what makes you uncomfortable. If something doesn’t feel right, then share that with your partner. Make it clear what the consequences will be if they continue those behaviors.

If you’re new to asserting yourself in a relationship, it can be scary.  Use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, “I feel anxious when you say this” rather than “you make me feel anxious.” Be specific when approaching someone and tell them why setting a boundary is important to you.  In healthy relationships, both partners should feel comfortable having their boundaries respected by the other person.

The following strategies can help set clear boundaries:

• Acknowledge the problem and try to resolve it to make the change you deserve.
• Make a plan and a commitment to yourself to keep the boundary. This takes personal courage and self-compassion.
• Have a support system in place. Find an ally in your family or friends, as a buffer to help you.
• Be assertive. Have direct conversations from the start on what you need, want, and expect.
• Keep an emotional and physical separation if needed.
• Move on if it doesn’t work out.

Leaving the relationship

There comes a time when you can’t be in the relationship anymore. If the other person continues to disrespect, push, or ignore your boundaries, then it may be time to say goodbye. A common feeling is hoping the person will change, which bogs you down and leads to inaction.  Sometimes just making excuses for bad situations causes people in relationships to stay longer than they should.

When the relationship breaks down, more drastic measures may be needed:

• You may need to walk away for your own health and safety. Violence should never be tolerated.
• Walking away from people with addictions or substance use disorders is hard, but boundaries need to be in place.
• You may have to cut off contact and not re-engage. No texts and no emails to the other person.
• In relationships where there’s abuse, leaving is often the most dangerous time. Have a safety plan – pack bags with essentials, important documents, and cash, find shelter, and have emergency contacts.
• Seek support—this could be a therapist, support group hotline, etc.—to process emotions safely.

Ending a relationship is incredibly difficult. It’s hard to sever something that has meant so much to you.  So many emotions come up, and you may have a fear of loneliness and not being emotionally attached to the other person.

Remember your physical, mental, and emotional well-being are the most important factors.  You’re not alone, and there are many resources to help you get your life back in a way that will bring you joy and peace.  You deserve fulfilling relationships.  Recognizing and dealing with toxic relationships will free you up to enjoy your future with those who give you mutual support and love.