How do I ask for what I need?

Asking for what we need can be intimidating, scary, or even painful. This is especially true for those of us who have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect.

Growing up in a home where your parents never asked what you needed, can make us unsure about how to talk about our needs. And being in relationships where partners flat-out told us our needs didn’t matter, makes it difficult to speak up for ourselves. Or maybe we’ve been vocal about what we need at work, but we’ve been ignored.

Asking for what you need is an act of self-care, but it can feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Furthermore, the trouble is that we may not even know what we need. Or maybe we know, but we’re afraid of what might happen if we say it out loud.

It’s okay if you’re unsure or nervous.  Asking for what we need from others can be a hard conversation, but getting through it can help you heal, grow, and protect yourself.

How do I know what I need?

We have all different kinds of needs: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, work, home, social, and financial.  And checking in with yourself is a great way to gauge your needs.

You can learn a lot about yourself by naming what you’re feeling. Negative feelings in particular are helpful in letting us know what we need. Often, we complain or feel emotionally stuck because something is missing. And if you find yourself feeling anxious in your friendships or relationships, it might stem from feeling fearful of failure, abandonment, or struggling with vulnerability.

Our feelings are communicating something to us. It could be that something is wrong, something needs to change, this is something I like or do not like, etc.  And by naming what we are experiencing, we can figure out what our feelings are trying to tell us. Self-reflection and identifying what you are feeling is the first step in figuring out what you need.

How to get what I need

Knowing what you need is important, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg. You’ve got to be able to communicate what you need, and sometimes that can be tough.

Know that asking for what you need is something you can learn. Talking about your needs is uncomfortable and vulnerable at first. But remember they matter because you do. It requires practice and putting yourself out there. And the discomfort we may feel in the short term is all worth it when we start to feel better and have the relationships, healing, and life we want.

To identify a need it can help to follow 3 steps: What happened, how did it make you feel, and what change do you need because of this situation:

• What happened. What happened that made you have a negative feeling and want change? It is important to think through this step and break down your feelings from this situation. Taking this step also gives you a moment to calm down and not do something you regret.
• Name your feelings. We can be horrible at identifying feelings and great and speaking judgment statements. For example, when someone makes you mad, it’s easy to say “You’re a jerk,” but what you were feeling is “When you did x, I felt pressured.” This step also helps you slow down and reflect.
• Use “I” statements that can help you communicate clearly and assertively. “I” statements look like, “I feel (insert emotion) when (explanation), and I’d like (your need).” For example, you might say to your boss, “I feel frustrated when I share my ideas during meetings, and they are dismissed. I’d like to feel like my contributions are valuable to the team.”
• Communicate in a way that feels best for you. Write a letter, make notes, think of a text, etc. about how you want to approach a situation.
• Confide in a trusted person. A friend, family member, sponsor, or therapist are great choices. Following through on speaking up can be tough. Lean on your support system for accountability.
• Rest and take breaks as needed. Taking a break is also a way of giving yourself what you need. Sometimes you need to preserve your energy until you’re in a better position mentally.

Regardless of how others react to you, your needs matter. They are personal and unique to you, and that’s okay. Your needs represent you. They are born out of your values, the things that bring you joy and give your life meaning.