I’m confused about gender

Feeling confused about your own gender is a natural first step to understanding it. It could take weeks or years to really understand your own gender identity and what feels most right for you. And one of the things that can help with developing that understanding is defining what the language surrounding gender means.

What is gender?

You may have heard the terms afab, assigned female at birth, or amab, assigned male at birth. This is what is generally referred to as a person’s sex on documents like medical forms.

Why do we use these terms? Because they allow us to talk about a person’s biologic sex separate from the gender identity they feel at home in. For example, in a medical setting, using afab and amab allows medical professionals to talk about health concerns people’s bodies are going through while still validating a person’s gender identity.

You can be assigned female at birth or assigned male at birth, but identify your gender as nonbinary or trans.

What is gender identity?

Gender identity is the gender you feel most at home in, whatever that looks like for you! You can express your gender through your appearance, pronouns, social roles, or behaviors.

Sometimes these social roles and behaviors are viewed in a binary (two-gender) way by societal norms. For example, taking out the trash is viewed as a man’s role in society, and keeping the house tidy is viewed as a woman’s role in society.

Gender performance is acting out the role of the gender you identify with and want to share with people. For example, a person who identifies as a transgender man may perform gender by doing things that society views as men’s jobs.

Gender performance is closely related with the societal idea of masculinity and femininity and who these traits are typically assigned to.

• Masculinity is a term typically applied to traits that society associates with people assigned male at birth. For example, lifting weights, working on cars, or mowing the lawn may be viewed as masculine characteristics.
• Femininity is a term typically applied to the traits that society associates with people assigned female at birth. For example, using makeup, wearing dresses, and liking flowers may be viewed as feminine characteristics.

Is sexual orientation related to gender?

Someone’s sexual orientation is a separate discovery from their gender identity, gender expression, and gender performance. Sexual orientation is usually determined by who you are sexually attracted to, or you may find you’re not sexually attracted to anyone. You may identify as nonbinary but define your sexual orientation as gay or lesbian. Everyone’s personal journey with gender and sexuality is unique and different.

The reason that pronouns, or the words we use to refer to each other, are so important is because they help people feel seen and accepted for who they authentically are. Being referred to with pronouns that you don’t identify with can feel disrespectful, rejecting, and hurtful. And for people struggling with their identity, being referred to incorrectly can be traumatic or triggering.

What does it mean to be transgender?

You may find on your journey of self-discovery that you feel transgender, or you don’t identify with the gender that you were assigned at birth. This includes transmen who may have been assigned female at birth, transwomen who may have been assigned male at birth, or nonbinary and gender nonconforming people who do not identify as either man or woman.

Dealing with imposter syndrome 

Another common thing that people experience on their gender identity discovery is imposter syndrome. You might not feel “queer enough” or “nonbinary enough” to take up space in the LGBTQIA community. This is normal, and your feelings are valid.

Remember that your personal gender discovery process may change over time, and that’s okay. You are allowed to try out new things and change your mind. It is all part of self-discovery.

Self-expression and self-acceptance

It’s okay to not know what your gender is yet. There is no deadline to figuring it out. Gender is a wide spectrum that impacts everyone! Including cisgender people, or people who identify as the gender they were assigned at birth. Make sure you check in with yourself on this journey and practice self-compassion. Listen to how your inner self is asking to be cared for while you do this vulnerable work.

If you want support with understanding your gender, don’t be afraid to seek it. That may look like confiding in someone you’re close with, asking for what you need, joining a local LGBTQIA organization, or finding the right therapist for you.