Why do I self-harm?

There are many different reasons why people choose self-harm. For many, self-harm or cutting often starts as a way to release emotional pain in a physical way. It might validate what they are feeling and allows them to release pent-up pain and emotions. What starts as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings, stress, or life, may turn into a habit.

Like drinking or using drugs, self-harm ultimately is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Reflecting on your life experiences, well-being, feelings, and triggers, can help you understand why you self-harm. The most important lesson from reflecting is knowing why you self-harm, take steps to stop self-harm, and find safer ways to cope.

Why do I self-harm?

There is no one reason why people self-harm. Your why is going to be unique to you. Figuring out why you self-harm means taking time to look at your experiences and feelings.

Here are some examples of reasons why people turn to self-harm to cope:

Feeling overwhelmed or under pressure

When we feel overwhelmed—like there’s too much bubbling up inside of us or like we are going to explode, self-harm is one way that some people release this pressure. The pressure can come from the expectations and feelings of those around us like our loved ones and friends. The pressure can also come from inside. For example, when we beat ourselves up or we don’t know what to do with overwhelming feelings of anxiety or depression. When all of these things build up, finding a release—even if it’s unhealthy—makes us feel better.

Feeling worthless

How we feel about ourselves affects how we treat ourselves. When we hate ourselves, feel worthless, broken, or undeserving, we turn to unhealthy coping skills like self-harm to sometimes just make it through the day. Or to feel something other than self-hate—it’s a temporary relief and release. It’s an outward expression of how we feel inside. We can inflict the pain on ourselves that we need to feel or that we think that we deserve. But no matter how we feel about ourselves, we are always deserving of healing.

Experiencing trauma, grief, abuse, or bad life experiences

Sometimes the pain of life is so overwhelming that we don’t know how to release it. Experiencing trauma like surviving abuse, violence, natural disaster, etc. leaves us with invisible scars that no one else knows are there. Grieving is another painful experience especially when we lose someone we love traumatically and suddenly. Or going through something like bullying, divorce, homelessness, or other dramatic life changes can just be too much. Self-harm can be an unhealthy way to cope and release all the overwhelming emotions from negative life circumstances.

The experiences and symptoms of mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder can make many of the feelings and experiences above worse. Many people find that treating their mental health conditions can sometimes help the feelings of overwhelm, pressure, worthlessness, etc. start to go away.

Why does self-harm feel good?

The reason why self-harm feels so good has a lot to do with how our brains deal with pain.

Our brain processes physical and emotional pain in the same places. [1] Our brains can also react to pain with chemicals within our bodies that act as natural painkillers. When we self-harm, those chemicals are released. [2] So when we feel big negative feelings like sadness, stress, or emptiness, the physical pain we feel from self-harm can help relieve the emotional pain. [1][2]

Because self-harm acts as a form of pain relief it feels good. And we want to keep doing it. This triggers the reward system in our brains and dopamine—the feel-good chemical—is released. Also, because we self-harm only when we feel negative emotions, the dopamine hit or good feelings from it becomes something that we want to repeat. [2][3] It helps us feel better and feel good.

But eventually we build up a tolerance meaning we need to self-harm more to feel good. For example this looks like needing to cut more or deeper to experience the same effects as before. This is the same thing that happens in drug or alcohol addictions. [2]

When people recover from self-harm, it often involves finding an activity or coping skill that replaces self-harm and still gives them a dopamine hit. For example, this may include exercise, creating music or art, or another activity that makes them feel good.

Self harm is habit-forming

Self-harm is a behavioral addiction. It’s a cycle. When we have a bad experience, we turn immediately to self-harm to feel better. This makes us feel good. And the rituals that start form when we self-harm are powerful. A ritual might be having a particular place where you self-harm, looking at your scars, etc.

Understanding the reason why you started to self-harm can help you understand why you continue to self-harm. Finding your why is an important first step, and can help you understand your triggers and feelings when it comes to your self-harm.

Here are some questions to help you figure out your triggers and feelings that lead to self-harm:

• How often do I self-harm? 
• What happened before the last time I self-harmed?  
• What was I feeling or experiencing before the last time I self-harmed?
• What thoughts did I experience before I self-harmed?
• Were there certain people, places, or things around that made me want to self-harm?
• How did I feel after self-harm? What feelings were released, relieved, or resolved?

Answering these questions can help you find patterns and triggers that lead to self-harm. It can help you understand your behaviors and the actions that you take better. It can also help you see what situations lead to self-harm.

So, what now?

Self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism that helps many people deal with the daily pressures and stresses of life. While it may be a difficult habit to break, it is possible. Many people have recovered from self-harm, and have found healthy ways to live. There is support, resources, and healing available to help you on your self-harm recovery journey.

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