I’m afraid I’m going to kill myself

Being afraid of killing yourself means that you do want to live. When we’re stressed, in a lot of pain, or feel like we don’t have control, then suicide may feel like an option to stop everything we’re feeling. But it’s not what we really want to do. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Sometimes our extreme and overwhelming thoughts can make us feel like we’re not in control of our minds. This is especially true when we’re younger, feel alone, and don’t understand the changes happening to our brains and bodies. But no matter what, we have to hold on to the hope that things can get better. Things won’t just change, but we do have the power to make the change we need and gain control.

Separating from suicidal thoughts

The first and most important step in gaining control over the thoughts in your head is separating yourself from them. You don’t have to take ownership of every thought in your head. This means that you don’t have to give these thoughts power or act on them.

Instead, you can focus on what you really want, need, and feel—for just right now. Ask yourself: What am I feeling in this moment? What do I need in this moment? How can I fulfill that need just for now? This focuses the control to just this moment and allows you to let go of expectations or the kinds of thoughts that can make us feel trapped or stuck.

Some things you can do to separate yourself from the thoughts are

• Isolate the thoughts that are uncomfortable or scary. If you have a thought that makes you feel scared or overwhelmed, you can let yourself acknowledge that it is scary. It might seem weird, but the goal is not to stop thinking about it. The goal is to think about it differently.  Maybe ask, why is it scary? Do I think I’m going to act on it? Is it just new? Am I overwhelmed?
• Write your thoughts down. So often, we feel like our thoughts are trapped in our brains. By writing them down, we’re able to see them more clearly. We can see how our thoughts feel once we look at them differently.  Writing it down can help you step back with perspective. It also gives you time to evaluate what really matters to you.
• Talk to someone. Ask yourself: Is there anyone in my life who I can talk to about these thoughts I’m having? These thoughts can make us feel trapped, and talking to someone can help release the pressure. Starting by asking someone, “Do you ever have thoughts you have a hard time controlling?” This is a good place to see if they’re open to the conversation. If you’re not sure who to talk to or how to talk to someone, you can reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or using the chat box at 988lifeline.org. You can also text “MHA” to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. Warmlines are an excellent place for non-crisis support. You can also look for support groups where people share their experiences and offer empathy and support.

Types of suicidal thoughts

It’s also important to know the difference between active and passive suicidal thoughts. Separating the type of thoughts you are having can help you find the support that you need.

Passive suicidal thoughts are common. It’s thinking about death and dying, but having no desire to act on these thoughts. They come and go. These thoughts sound like “I want to die,” “I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die,” “My life is over,” or “I have nothing to live for.” Having these thoughts does not mean that you are planning to die by suicide. But they could be a sign of an underlying mental health condition or dealing with intense stress, trauma, or grief.

Having active suicidal thoughts means that you are actively planning to die by suicide—you have a plan and want to take action. This is a crisis, and if you think that you are having active suicidal thoughts, then you need to reach out for support. Being afraid that you’re going to kill yourself is a good sign that you don’t want to. And there are people, places, and resources that can help keep you safe.

We can move to feeling less control or having more of a desire to die after a particularly difficult moment. These moments include any actions that lead to intense feelings, like a fight, something embarrassing happening, or witnessing something unexpected. These are called triggers. If we can identify the triggers that lead to these thoughts, then we can start to get out of a mental trap. And reach out for help before acting on these thoughts.

Remember, you don’t have to give suicidal thoughts power. You don’t have to listen to them, and they don’t have to control you. Things change in our lives because we make the change. And you have the power to change things and take control.