How do I love myself?

If your childhood was hard and you weren’t sure you were loved, it’s not surprising that even as teenagers or adults, we have a hard time loving ourselves. So, if you struggle to love and accept yourself, you’re not alone.

We’re constantly receiving messages that we should love ourselves. We see posts and hear from others that we should practice self-love and that it should be easy to love yourself.  But no one talks about how it’s actually really hard to love yourself, especially if you don’t know what love means.

Self-love is knowing that you are lovable and worthy. It’s a choice. Sometimes a choice we need to make every day. And while it’s not always easy to extend kindness, grace, and honesty to ourselves, it’s something we can choose to take action on daily.

What does it mean to love myself?

Maybe you haven’t been kind to yourself and have allowed your inner critic to speak harshly. Perhaps you’ve struggled with self-destructive behaviors, self-hatred, or have a history of trauma or pain. Self-love is an act of releasing the hurtful ways you talk to and treat yourself that can sometimes lead you to hurt others, too.

Self-love is more than loving the way you look or the things you’ve accomplished. It’s deeply accepting yourself for who you are in all moments. It also means choosing yourself and prioritizing your needs, especially when it’s hard.

Learning to love yourself is a process. It’s something you work at every day knowing that some days you’ll feel more love for yourself than others. Each step that you take, big or small, brings you closer to the point of feeling confident and at peace within yourself, which is self-love.

It’s also about letting go of the unhealthy coping that doesn’t serve you, or the negative thoughts you repeat over and over. By reflecting on your strengths, abilities, and the things about yourself that make you feel good, you can gain confidence and a sense of self-worth.

How to practice self-love

Love and acceptance of yourself begin to grow as we come to know ourselves and put self care into practice. Here are some ideas about how to honor yourself as a person and improve your mental health wherever you are in your journey:

• Use self-reflection as a tool to uncover aspects of who you are. What do you like? What do you not like? Do you have a sense of your personality? Your strengths? Your weaknesses? How does it feel to acknowledge your strengths or your weaknesses?  You can’t love yourself if you don’t know who you are.
• Meet yourself where you are daily with self-compassion and patience. You are growing.
• Practicing self compassion might require learning about radical acceptance. This means accepting the positive and the strong emotions that come up as you begin to practice self-love. Radical acceptance is being able to see all the parts of ourselves and still respond with compassion.
• Remove the barriers to loving yourself. This could mean putting distance between and letting go of people, places, and things that make you feel inadequate.
• If you can’t figure out your barriers, ask someone you trust. It’s hard to say “I’m lovable because____,” but it’s not hard for you to identify what you love about a friend. It can help to get feedback from those who cherish us.
• Practice gratitude. Name at least one thing you love about yourself daily. Make it something about you, not something you did or something related to another person.
• Create your own goals and standards. It’s hard to filter out the messages from family, friends, social media, and our everyday environment. Think about what matters to you and makes you feel most like yourself. Follow your heart.
• Engage in activities for self-care. This could be journaling, moving your body, trying something new, or bringing back an old hobby that made you feel good and like yourself. If it’s accessible to you, going to therapy can also be a path to self-discovery.

As you explore and learn more about yourself, you may come across parts that feel difficult to love. But part of cultivating self-love is being able to practice it without judgment. Be kind to yourself when these feelings, parts, or aspects arise. You are still and always worthy.