Am I poly?

If you find yourself interested in engaging in multiple relationships at the same time, you might be wondering if you’re polyamorous, or poly.

There’s often judgment, stigma, or stereotypes around people who identify as polyamorous. People may not understand why you might value more than one relationship. Or, they might see non-monogamy as cheating or your inability to commit. Myths about poly relationships can lead to feelings of shame and not being open about what you need.

Poly relationships are more common than you think. A study from 2021 found that 1 out of 6 people are open to practicing polyamory. The study also showed that 1 out of 9 people have been in a poly relationship at some point in their life (1). So, as you read more about what it means to be poly, know that you’re not alone. With communication and boundaries, a poly relationship can be a beautiful and rewarding experience.

What it means to be poly

If you’re poly, you may be engaged in multiple relationships at the same time. These relationships may be romantic or sexual, and they aren’t gender-specific or exclusive to LGBTQ+ people. For instance, if you identify as a pansexual female, you might have one partner who identifies as female and another who identifies as non-binary.

Since poly relationships are non-monogamous, a key ingredient is consent. Some relationships start as poly, but others may become that way with agreement. The important thing is that everyone involved understands the boundaries and agrees.

Knowing how poly relationships can be structured may help you and your partners talk about your boundaries. Some poly relationship structures include (2,3,4):

• Solo polyamory: someone who lives alone and has multiple relationships with no hierarchy.
• Hierarchical polyamory: a couple that explores other relationships together or individually
• Polyfidelity: an exclusive romantic or sexual relationship or relationships between three or more people where they don’t date others outside of the group.
• Triad: sometimes called a “throuple,” a relationship where three people date each other.
• Quad: four people who date each other.
• V or Vee: one person dates two people, but those people aren’t seeing each other.

Benefits and challenges of poly relationships

Like other relationships, some benefits and challenges can come with polyamory.

Challenges include:

• Jealousy: Navigating multiple relationships can be tough. You might feel insecure or jealous, and that’s okay. Talk openly with your partners about your fears. This can help you feel supported as you figure out your relationship together.
• Boundaries: Besides consent, boundaries are agreed upon to help everyone involved feel emotionally safe. You may come up with the boundaries together. But it’s important to know your personal limits, too. First, spend some time figuring out your boundaries about your body, emotions, and time.
• New relationship energy: When a new person joins the relationship, it’s natural to feel worried. Setting aside time with your established partners and doing self-care activities can help you feel better.

Some benefits of poly relationships include:

• Meaningful relationships: The acceptance and communication that come with poly relationships allow you to connect with others on a deeper level.
• Getting your relationship needs met: one person may not be able to meet all of your emotional and physical needs. A poly relationship allows you to talk about and engage in partnerships that support you.
• Personal growth and satisfaction: Poly relationships require openness, honesty, and acceptance. As part of being able to offer these things to others, we learn to give them to ourselves as well, increasing our sense of self-awareness.

The bonds created between people in poly relationships can be deep and satisfying. Communication and trust are key in a poly relationship. Keep conversations flowing when things are good and when there’s a rough patch.

Communicating that you’re poly

You might be nervous about sharing that you’re poly. That’s natural. It’s hard to know what others will think or how they’ll respond.

Here are some things to keep in mind when communicating that you’re poly:

• Be honest: You want a potential partner to be able to decide for themselves if a poly relationship feels right for them. Try being clear and direct. You can say something like, “I really like you, so I want to be completely honest and share that I am polyamorous. I’d love to know what your thoughts are on poly relationships.”
• Communicate early: The last thing you want is for you and another person to invest your feelings and time only to find out you’re not a good match. You might communicate this after a first or second date once you get a feel for the other person and think you may continue dating. If it doesn’t feel safe to share, remember, you don’t have to.
• Make it a conversation: Once you share that you’re poly, leave room for your potential partner to respond and share their thoughts. Maybe they’ve never considered it before and need to process it or need more information.
• Trust your intuition: If you’re dating someone and your gut is telling you that something is off or that you can’t share aspects of who you are, consider whether the relationship feels right for you. Your mental, emotional, and physical safety are the most important thing.

It’s natural to care about what your loved ones and the people you are interested in think. But regardless of how they respond to you opening up about this aspect of your identity, know that you are whole, worthy, and lovable.

 
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