Why do people say hurtful things?

As human beings, it’s totally understandable that the words said to us affect us to our core. When the words are sweet, we bask in the sunshine of them, feeling good and more confident. But when those words are mean and cutting, we feel deflated, lost, and confused. How can mere words produce such an effect on us?

These harmful words stick with us, fester inside us, create shame, and shape how we feel about ourselves. There are many reasons why people say hurtful things, and many of them have nothing to do with you.

It’s a good idea to take a few steps back and understand where these harsh statements are coming from. This knowledge can go a long way in helping to overcome the devastating effect of negative words and help you put in perspective how to react when it happens to you.

It might not be about you

It’s hard not to take it personally when someone we love or respect says something hurtful. We value their opinion, and we may take those words as a reflection of what they think or feel about us. But that’s not always the case.

One of the most likely reasons someone has for hurling hurtful words is that they are projecting a negative belief or fear they have about themselves. For example, let’s say you’re studying for an exam with a friend. The material is coming easily to you, but your friend is struggling. Not realizing, you make a comment about feeling confident about the test. Your friend responds with something like, “Whatever. You’re not even that smart.”

Your initial response may be hurt, shock, confusion, or anger. Why would they say that? You might think your friend doesn’t believe you’re capable. It’s also possible that your friend is projecting their own feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence onto you.

There are many reasons why people say hurtful things, including:

• They have endured many negative words directed at them, and the insecurity that stirs up spills out and is directed toward others.
• Social skills can be lacking and cultural or family norms may cause a lack of respect for others.
• Mental health conditions can bring out anger, depression, and anxiety leading to outbursts of emotions.
• They haven’t developed the skills to name what they’re feeling and need and communicate that instead of criticism of others.
• They’ve been hurt in the past and have unresolved pain. Without coping skills to manage this, they may say or do things that harm others. Low self-esteem can be triggered when feeling nervous, which leads to lashing out and self-protection by attacking another person.

Keep in mind that even though there may be a reason behind the behavior and hurtful words, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You can set boundaries and choose what to do.

How to react when someone says something hurtful

It’s helpful to consider how to react when hurtful words come your way. It’s not easy to let go of things that cause us pain. There are ways to ease the sting of negativity and let go of toxic words.

• Recognize and identify your emotions. Realize when you’ve been the victim of an abusive attack and choose not to hang on to the bad feelings it stirs up. For example, your friend says something mean to you. Name that you’re saddened or upset. It’s okay to feel that way. Instead of being consumed with it, don’t take it personally and chalk it up to the person having a bad day or projecting their own troubles onto you.

• Set a boundary. Reject the hurtful words and say to yourself or the other person, “No, I don’t accept what you’re saying.” Let the other person know that what they’re trying to do to you isn’t working, and that you have clear boundaries. You might also say, “What are you hoping for when you talk to me like that?”

• Speak up. A simple statement like, “I’m not okay when you say hurtful things to me,” can go a long way in diffusing the other person’s angry outburst. Ask yourself, “Is there something I can learn from this?” Constructive criticism may help us become better people, but make sure it doesn’t come at the cost of being bullied.
• Put limits on verbal abuse. If the person continues to say hurtful things and doesn’t back down or change their behavior, then be willing to walk away from the relationship.

Remember, it’s your choice to reflect and react in a way that works best for you. It takes time to figure out the approach you’re comfortable with when it comes to dealing with hurtful words. Know that you are worthy of respect. It’s an everyday journey where you’re in the driver’s seat and can make up your own mind on how to deal with what comes your way.