Should I reconnect with my toxic friend or family member?

Sometimes we miss people that we once had in our lives. It’s normal for this to happen and to reminisce on the “good old days” with a few happy memories. Sometimes, we may even miss a toxic friend or family member.

Toxic is a word used to describe someone who was not good for you and brought negative things to your life. This negativity can come in the form of physical, psychological, and verbal abuse.  It can also come in the form of sibling rivalry, two-faced friends, and family members that constantly put you down.

This toxicity can be contagious. It causes you to feel bad about yourself and may even cause you to react the same way towards other friends and family members.  Remember the old saying, “Misery loves company?” Here’s a new one: toxicity can cause damage.

Think about why you want to reconnect

It’s important to remind yourself why you kept the distance in the first place and make sure if you reconnect, it’s on your own terms.

When thinking about reconnecting, you need to think about why you want to do this and the possible outcomes.  Do you miss the good times?  Are you lonely? Do you want to reconnect for approval?

Reconnecting based on these things is not a necessary step in recovery.  If the intentions behind your reconnections are genuine, then it could be a positive experience. Taking these steps will help you to align your heart and your thoughts to prepare for the experience.

Reconnecting with a toxic friend or family member can be difficult if they aren’t respecting your boundaries and having healthy communication.  Not everyone can do this. And you can’t expect other people to be different in their current situation just because you are.

Change is difficult for everyone. It was hard for you to get into recovery, and it may be hard for your friend or family member to understand. It’s important that you accept the person for whom they are and expect to have challenges.

Think about the pros and cons of reconnecting

No one should have to beg for love in a relationship that is nurturing and beneficial to them.

Make a list! Yes, get out a pen or paper and make a solid list of the pros and cons of reconnecting. Seeing it on paper can really put things into perspective.  Each situation for wanting to reconnect is different, but there are several questions you should ask yourself.

1. Am I ready to see this person?
2. Will they respect my boundaries after I communicate with them?
3. Do I just miss the “good times” with this friend or family member?
4. If they are still toxic, is it going to activate some behaviors I have worked hard to free myself from?
5. Will I get back what I have put into the relationship with this friend or family member?
6. Do I feel like I have to beg for their love?
7. Am I seeking approval?
8. Does this feel rash or rushed?
9. Do I feel vulnerable by attempting to reconnect?

These questions are important to help you reflect on the possibility of reconnection. They can help you make sure this is an important part of your life and not just a fleeting moment or a good memory that popped up. This is about what is best for you and you alone.

If you are going to reconnect…

When reconnecting with a toxic friend or family member it’s important to set boundaries and limitations. These boundaries and limitations are a safety measure for your physical and mental health. This is not about the friend or family member. It’s about you.

Reconnect on your own terms and have a support system readily available.  You can find support from a therapist, a peer specialist, and even a close friend. These people can help you to navigate reconnecting.  This is about you and what you need to be successful in your recovery.

What happens if it doesn’t go well?

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, and they can go badly.  Don’t beat yourself up about the situation. Talk about it with someone that you can trust.  And if it does go badly, it’s time for you to look forward and see the signs that you are looking for something or someone worthy of you.

You can also your coping skills toolbox and most importantly, do a self-care checkup.  Not coping with the feelings such as rejection, trauma, and isolation associated with the reconnection not going well—is bad for recovery.

It’s crucial to remember the good times and work on letting go. Sometimes, it’s better to go forward and not take the chance of it not going well.  Make new friends, new relationships, and new memories.  You are worthy of respect and deserve to feel happy in your recovery.