How do I cope with loss while in recovery?

Loss—whether it’s the loss of a loved one, loss of finances, housing, or stability—can be dangerous for those of us in recovery. We may find that our new coping skills are no match for dealing with loss, so we want to turn to old habits. Our feelings and grief can become so overwhelming that it makes us want to use or drink to stop the pain.

But the only way through the pain, the grief, and the emotions is to feel them. There are ways to cope with loss in recovery. Remember, that we don’t have to cope or heal alone.

Stay in and focus on your recovery

Your friends who are using while you are in recovery, they might join you one day. “We can be a light to anybody.”

When we experience something as debilitating as loss—especially if we lose a loved one to an overdose— it’s almost like we forget what healing we’ve accomplished. It can feel like starting over again because you just want to numb the pain, just like we did in our addictions. And it can become like a repeating cycle of just trying to numb the feelings that come from our grief. But it’s possible to heal and stay focused in your recovery.

Recovery gives you tools to cope with something as traumatic as loss that active addiction does not. For example, in recovery, we learn coping skills like journaling, finding support, breathwork, and meditation, and more. These skills help us identify and process our feelings. They keep us calm and help us work through what we are going through.

Additionally, in recovery, we can find community. Whether it be a sponsor, peer recovery specialist, a therapist, counselor, or other healthcare professional, or even friends from meetings, we have people that we can lean on for support when dealing with the loss feels too hard. They can help you continue to get through daily life even when the grief feels too much. You are not alone, and tapping into your support system can help you heal.

Remembering our progress and how far we’ve come in our recovery journey can help us stay motivated and focused while dealing with grief. Even if you have to use every single coping skill that you have, it’s worth it. Recovery is a process. And it gives us the healing, closure, and community we need to make it through difficult times.

Coping with the loss

Grief is unique to everyone. For some, going through the motions of daily life might help them reconnect with their feelings and lives. But for others, the distance between what they are doing and what they are really feeling can make them feel depressed. They may feel like they are putting on an act, and it might make them feel worse because they are not honoring their feelings.

Because we all grieve differently, not everything works for everyone. Here is a list of ways to help you cope with loss. If you find that one way doesn’t work for you, it’s okay to try something else.

• Let yourself ugly cry. You are going to experience many different emotions while grieving, like anger, sadness, guilt, denial, and regret—just to name a few. It’s okay to give yourself permission to acknowledge and feel all of these feelings (sometimes at the same time). So let yourself cry, scream, yell, etc. All of this is a part of the healing process.
• Start a grief journal. A grief journal is your space to let yourself “have a pity party” or process your feelings on your terms. It’s also important to keep a loss journal when you lose someone so you can remember the good memories you have with that person.
• Give yourself time and grace. Reflection and time to yourself are necessary. You need time to process your feelings, especially if it’s been a while and you’re still grieving. Sometimes when we are dealing with difficult emotions, we throw ourselves into projects, work, taking care of others, etc., to try to run from what we are feeling. But we truly need to give ourselves that space to grieve. And we need to give ourselves grace because healing does not happen overnight.
• Celebrate your loved one’s life. Finding ways to celebrate and honor our loved ones can help us heal. This loss can be used as a catalyst to focus on your recovery and inspire you to improve yourself even more. This could look like starting or getting involved with organizations, working on yourself, bringing awareness, etc. You can use your grief journey as something that pushes you forward to get deeper into recovery
• Set boundaries with others. People say things that are well-meaning, but can be harmful. This means that you need to put a boundary up. Remember, it’s okay to be sad, get upset, and feel your emotions. That’s part of recovery. You don’t have to be tough or strong. People may feel like you should get over it, but you are allowed to go at your own pace, and let others know this too.

It’s important that we find ways to cope with our loss. The act of feeling sad emotions can be addictive. It might become comfortable because you start getting used to it, but that’s the opposite of recovery because recovery means growing. We will go through sad things. But we can’t stay in the state of being forever because we will miss everything going on around us and the chance to keep moving forward in our recovery.

Find support

Sometimes the systems around us fail…but to see the community surround [people who needed support] it was awe-inspiring

Experiencing a traumatic loss can activate mental health episodes and symptoms of a mental health condition. During these times, we may want to isolate ourselves from others, but the opposite of addiction is connection.

In these cases, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. This can look like leaning on family and friends to help until you get back on your feet, calling your sponsor when you feel overwhelmed or like you want to use, talking to a peer recovery specialist who understands, or calling 988 or a warmline to reach out for support.

Finding support can also look like:

• Seeking medical help like inpatient or outpatient treatment and care
• Leaning on faith, spirituality, or having a higher power
• Surrounding yourself with community (ex: doing meal trains, helping with chores, etc.)
• Helping others may help you feel good about yourself during this time
• Join a grief support group
• Reaching out for professional help from a doctor, therapist, or another mental health professional

Sometimes we need the support of others to lift us up when we can’t do it ourselves. That’s what finding support and having a support system is all about. We may feel alone, especially when experiencing a difficult loss, but we don’t have to heal alone.