At some point in your life, someone told you that you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was when you were rejected from your first love or dream job. Or it could’ve been when you fell short of meeting your family’s expectations. Eventually, you took their opinions to heart and started perceiving yourself as a failure. And these beliefs may have emotionally wounded you for some time.
Sometimes we all feel like failures, but that doesn’t mean that this thought is true. We are so much more than the negative aspects of our lives. And while it might feel impossible, you do have the power to change this belief about yourself.
Why do I feel this way?
The pressure to succeed
Society and sometimes our loved ones put pressure on us to become “successful,” and often we internalize this pressure and put it back on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others who we believe are “succeeding” or doing better in life than we are. Maybe they have better jobs, they are doing better in school, they make more money, they go on expensive vacations, or they have a better house. And seeing all the things that they have that we lack makes us feel like failures.
The truth is that everyone feels like a failure sometimes. But we will never find success comparing our lives to other people’s lives. It’s important to take a look at yourself and your accomplishments. Everyone has their own timeline in life. So even if it feels like you’re “failing” today, it doesn’t mean it will feel this way forever.
Trauma and past experiences
Maybe you failed in the past. You failed a test you studied hard for, you tried to launch a business that failed, or you failed at a friendship or a relationship. All of this is okay.
Our failures don’t define us. In many ways, our failures from our past experiences can help us learn more about ourselves and our circumstances. When we reflect on our failures, we can learn how to move forward. Taking time to see what went wrong and accepting what happened can ultimately help us heal.
Sometimes feeling like a failure comes from past experiences with trauma. Maybe we didn’t have a supportive family or loved ones around us. And they made us feel like nothing we did was right in their eyes. Or maybe we had to carry too many burdens as children and blame ourselves for the failure of the adults in our lives.
While the trauma we endured can make us feel like we’re failures, it’s important to remember that you are not your trauma. Trauma is something that we can heal from, and experiencing trauma makes us human, not failures.
Living with mental health conditions
Living with a mental health condition can sometimes make intrusive thoughts like I am a failure feel more intense. For example, if we are experiencing anxiety, we may be overthinking a situation and find ourselves stuck ruminating on negative thoughts or stuck in a thinking trap. Or if we are experiencing depression, we may be feeling guilty because our lack of motivation or energy makes it difficult to function in the way we believe we “should.”
Trying to navigate a mental health condition alone can feel like carrying too much weight, and we feel like we’re crumbling under all this pressure.
But we don’t have to do it all ourselves. When we feel this way, this is a sign that we should reach out for support. This could mean reaching out to a loved one, a peer, a support group, calling into a warmline, or finding a mental health professional. Or it could mean going online to do research or finding others who have a similar experience to yours.
If you think that you may be experiencing a mental health condition like anxiety or depression, it may be a good idea to take a mental health test to help validate your experiences.
Moving forward
I am a failure is an intrusive thought, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a true thought.
One of the first steps you can take is to recognize that the voice calling you “a failure” is not you. In fact, it’s time to treat that voice for what it is: a parasite. Whenever you sense those thoughts bubbling up, instead of accepting them as truth, you fight back! It’s much easier said than done, but these intrusive beliefs lose their power with practice and repetition.
Here are some tools that you can use to help you fight back:
- Reframe the thought. Try reframing the thought into something that is more positive or affirmative. For example, something like “I have been successful many times before, and I know I can succeed again” or “Everyone makes mistakes, but I can learn and grow from them.” Our overcoming negative thoughts tool can walk you through the process of reframing your thoughts.
- Identify what you are feeling. Identifying what we are really feeling can help us figure out what we need to do to feel better. Our What’s Underneath? Worksheet can help you take a moment to reflect on what emotions you are experiencing.
- Journal. Writing down these thoughts makes them easier to challenge. When negative thoughts become too overwhelming, take the time to write down your beliefs and critically examine the truth of each one.
- Talk to someone you trust. Talking to someone who you trust can help provide more perspective about what you are feeling. They can help you get out of your own head and see the bigger picture.