Should I get into a relationship in early recovery?

In the delicate balance of early recovery, nurturing the self before intertwining with another is essential. Love can wait; healing cannot.

Congratulations! We are in recovery! Maybe we’re at the stage where we no longer have cravings for alcohol or substances and might start thinking that we are cured. But there is no “cure” for addiction. It’s a disease we continue to manage.

At some point, someone we click with someone comes along, and thoughts of them occupy our minds. We spend all our free time with them. We start focusing more on them than ourselves. And our recovery starts taking a backseat. Many of us in recovery have seen this happen or done it ourselves. In recovery, relationships are important, but we want to make sure we’re in the right one at the right time.

Why not?

Healthy people are not in early recovery.

The common consensus is that people in recovery should wait until they have one year of sobriety before getting into a new relationship. That year helps us tackle challenges that come up early in recovery, build our support system, and create healthier habits.

Quite a few of us have no idea how to have a healthy relationship when we begin our recovery journey. Some of us have never had healthy relationships modeled for us. Stress, arguments, poor communication, mistrust, and financial burdens are often part of relationships in addiction. In some cases, there may even be abuse. We are trying to repair patterns such as these and not duplicate them in recovery.

Personal growth and healing are priorities in recovery. It takes a lot of focus to make the necessary changes for continued recovery maintenance. If we aren’t in a solid place, adding the responsibilities and the pressures of a relationship could be disastrous.

Early recovery is an emotionally volatile period, and early relationships can be emotionally charged and stressful in good or bad ways. It’s normal to feel emotionally raw and sensitive in early recovery.  So it can take some time to get emotional sobriety. Relationships are one of the biggest causes of relapse. Some of the reasons for that are how much emotion is involved, that we may not know ourselves or our triggers yet, or because we don’t recognize red flags or know what a healthy relationship should be like.

Building a relationship with yourself in early recovery

We don’t get into recovery because we’ve made the best choices. It takes people who are working on making better choices to build a healthy relationship. It is also important to develop a sense of self.

Using substances is often a symptom of a bigger problem. Once we take away the substances, we are left with that issue. We need to focus on the problem, whether it be mental health issues, past traumas, or whatever it may have been that caused us to use in the first place. Relationships can be used as a distraction to keep us from looking inside and dealing with issues.  We need to make peace with our past to become healthier people.

Most of us do not come into recovery with good self-esteem. If we are looking for a partner for our sense of self-worth, then we are not building our own personal sense of self. In recovery, we work on building healthy coping skills. If we are relying on a person for comfort, then it may prevent us from learning to manage emotions and stress for ourselves.

It is also necessary to develop strong coping skills and our own support system. It’s a lot of pressure on one person to be our only support.  And if we lose that support, then it could cause us to relapse. If we do have a support system in place, it may be a good time to talk with our sponsor, peer coach, accountability partner, loved one, or addiction counselor before getting into the relationship.

Some questions we could ask ourselves to help determine if we are ready to be in a new relationship might be:

• Is my recovery program solid?
• Do I have people in my life who support my recovery?
• Do I have coping skills to help me deal with triggers or difficult emotions?
• How are my communication and conflict resolution skills?
• Do I feel like I can clearly express and enforce my boundaries?
• Am I willing to let go of relationships that may not be healthy for me?
• Do I have a plan in place in case of relapse?

Another thought to consider is that in the first year of recovery, we will go through so many changes. We may not be the same person by the end of that year. Our likes, dislikes, self-esteem, goals, and boundaries are highly likely to be much different. And it is important to get to know ourselves now that we are no longer using substances.

Early recovery is the time to get to know what our values and boundaries are, what we like, and dislike. This is our time to set up the foundation for our recovery. If we have not spent any time getting to know ourselves, we cannot know what our boundaries are or how to enforce them. It’s a time for rebuilding our lives which can also add stress to a new relationship. It takes time to become stable.

The first year of recovery is a crucial time. Setting up the best foundation that we can before adding to life responsibilities helps us succeed. We have work, family, faith, responsibilities, and goals to balance with our recovery. Relationships take attention, nurturing, time, and focus as well. The time spent on a relationship could be spent setting up that foundation. It doesn’t hurt to start a friendship first and take our time. We are used to instant gratification when using substances, but we are trying to live differently.

Each of us has to make our own decisions regarding our recovery, what we want, and when we feel it’s the right time to start a relationship. It’s a personal decision, and it’s ours to make. What’s important is that we make a wise, thoughtful choice that prioritizes our recovery.