What happens if telling someone about my addiction goes wrong?

Telling someone about your addiction to drugs, alcohol, or anything else is hard. It’s okay to be worried that they will be angry with you or reject you—and that you will feel worse after the conversation. You have to work through feelings of shame, nervousness, embarrassment, and fear—and that takes a lot of courage and strength, especially when you don’t know how your loved ones will react.

But while your feelings are valid, they aren’t facts. There’s a chance that your loved ones will support you, be there for you, and want to help. Telling someone about your addiction may not go well the first time, but don’t give up. You deserve support.

Preparing for the conversation

It’s a difficult conversation. It may be helpful to plan and prepare for it in advance. This allows you to think about and hope for the best outcome, but also know and prepare for the worst that could happen. It’s also important to understand that there could be different possibilities, including ones that you don’t expect.

Here are some tips that can help you prepare for telling someone about your addiction.

• Consider what you already know about that person. For example, if the person you have in mind is reactionary, consider going to someone else first. But if that loved one has been supportive in the past or has lived experience, they may be more open to supporting you.
• Weigh the pros and cons of telling this person. It may be helpful to make a list of pros and cons to see if you feel safe telling them about your addiction. This can help you decide if they are a good person to tell.
• Think about the way they talk about addiction. Some people have harmful feelings and prejudices about addiction, and they aren’t always understanding. Or they may have had an experience of their own with addiction. For example, maybe they have a loved one who overdosed, lost someone, or don’t know anything about addiction. This is something to consider before sharing.
• Ground yourself before you go into it. Taking some deep breaths or focusing on your senses beforehand can help you stay calm during the conversation.
• Communicate how you want to be supported. Tell the person you are telling what you need or how you want them to support you after the conversation and going forward.
• Have a plan for self-care if the conversation doesn’t go well. This can save you a lot of suffering. You can talk to someone you trust or find a coping mechanism to help you process your feelings. Feeling hurt and rejected can make us turn back to bad habits, so preparing for this outcome will help you in the long run.

Sometimes people react out of anger or say the wrong things because they are afraid. You don’t have to tolerate disrespect. The truth is that sometimes, you might have to talk to a few people before you find the person that you feel most comfortable with. What’s important is that you find someone t who makes you feel comfortable.

Finding support

Remember, if you tell someone and they try to put you down or judge you, there are other options.  Things may go wrong. People are going to say things to judge because you have an addiction or substance use disorder, but there’s always support outside of them.

There are plenty of support systems if you can’t get it from those around you. You can connect with a peer support specialist, a sponsor, or others in support groups. You can also find support and resources within your community. Additionally, an unbiased person like a therapist can be helpful in learning new skills and communicating with others. They can also help you draw clear boundaries and not take on others’ big emotions.

If you’re alone after being rejected, it can hurt your recovery.  Find someone who has been through what you are going through. If it makes you feel worse after telling someone, keep seeking help. A peer support specialist or a 12-step program may be places where you can immediately get help from someone who understands and can help deflate those feelings of rejection and isolation.

The speed bumps will come, but you will get through it with your support system and in a healthy community. This is a part of getting better. Be around people who will lift you up and challenge you.

Coping and moving forward

Remember your reasons and your WHY for wanting to tell someone. These reasons aren’t going to change after having a bad conversation. You have good, valid reasons for wanting to start this conversation– maybe it was a suggestion, or you wanted to stop holding in your pain, suffering, feelings, etc.

You are making yourself and your health a priority. Having this difficult conversation can help you reevaluate what you want from friends, family, and a support group. Also, remember that you don’t have to sit around and take the hurtful reactions from others. You can distance yourself to protect yourself and your health. If you have a therapist who is willing, consider having a mediated conversation with the therapist and your loved ones. Mediation can help with conflicts and traumas that make it even harder to speak to someone.

Remember, you are not alone. You are not the first person who has had to do this and has gotten this reaction. You’re not reinventing the wheel—peers, programs, and crisis lines are there to help you. You can do this! Just don’t give up.