What if my partner and I are both in recovery?

One advantage of having a partner in recovery is that you are able to understand each other. You are both going through your own recovery journeys at the same time, so you may be able to offer support, knowing, and understanding experiences that others can’t.

But you must continue to go through your own recovery. It’s not easy—you always want to help your partner, but you can’t help them completely when you’re trying to help yourself. You can’t do recovery for your partner, and they can’t do recovery for you. You both must set clear boundaries and respect those boundaries. This means not pressuring each other to use or drink or putting each other in triggering or activating situations.

If you and your partner are both in recovery,  it’s important that both of you continue on your independent recovery journeys, maintain boundaries, and make sure your relationship is healthy.

Stay focused on your own recovery

You and your partner might be on different levels and in different places in your recovery. There’s a fine line between helping and codependency—and the line depends on the person and the relationship. It’s possible to lose yourselves in trying to help each other. This is a difficult balancing act to maintain because it’s hard to help someone else with their recovery when you are working through your own.

You have to work your own recovery—even within your relationship. You both have to let each other go your path, have your own people, and your own meetings. The best way to support your partner through their recovery is to work your own. Lean on your coping skills toolbox and your support system—friends from meetings, a peer recovery specialist, your sponsor, etc.

Being focused on your recovery will help you be more stable in times of crisis—for example if your partner relapses or you experience loss or hardship. You staying strong in your recovery can also be motivating and an example for your partner to stay strong in their own journey.

Create a plan

Though both you and your partner are doing your best in recovery, it’s important to prepare and plan for the worst-case scenario. Truthfully, sometimes we fall down on our recovery journeys. Sometimes the relationship doesn’t work out. Keep in mind that losing each other is a possibility too. But if you have a plan in place, then you are more likely to get through whatever comes your way.

Here are some things to consider when putting together a plan for relapse or crisis:

• What happens if someone falls out of recovery?
• Does relapse mean that the relationship is over? 
• Who is a safe person for you? Your partner? 
• What’s your safety or crisis plan?
• Where will you go in case of an emergency? Who will you call?
• What coping skills help you? What coping skills help your partner?

If you don’t know where to start, this worksheet can help you develop a crisis plan. While it’s true that sometimes things don’t work out, sometimes, you or your partner can get each other back into recovery. But you have to have a strong foundation for this happen.

My partner relapsed. What should I do?

Sometimes relapse is a part of recovery. But it’s important to stay calm and not make any rash decisions. While you don’t want to condone the behavior, at the same time you don’t want to judge them. Try to be understanding. Offer the support that you have the capacity to give them. This could look like calling their sponsor, getting them to a meeting, etc.

When your partner relapses, don’t forget about your self-care. It’s easy to focus on them and forget about yourself. For example, calling your sponsor can provide support for you while you deal with your partner’s relapse and navigate your own recovery too.

But if your partner continues to use or drink, then you ultimately have to make the choice to stay in the relationship or leave. This is going to be a daily reminder in your face if you are in recovery, and you are going to experience feelings too, not just your partner.

Something else to consider is a mental health relapse—or experiencing mental health symptoms in reaction to your partner’s relapse. A therapist, a drug or alcohol counselor, or a mental health professional may provide additional support and care for you. You can also attend support group meetings like Al-Anon to find hope and hear perspectives of others going through something similar.