Why does drinking or using make me push people away?

Sometimes pushing people away is easier than letting them in.

Shame, unworthiness, and judgment are just a few reasons why our drug or alcohol use makes us push people away. We may be afraid of what our friends and loved ones will think or say if they know about our use or especially when we relapse.

So we cast ourselves out. We push people away. We use or drink alone. We hide.

Why do I push people away?

Shame and unworthiness

When addiction begins, it brings some feelings of shame and humiliation along with it. Sometimes the addiction becomes worse, and we do not like people seeing us like that. Having thoughts and feelings like these are hard to deal with and go through. It increases the sense of loneliness in our lives. And it keeps the cycle of addiction going.

Addiction also starts to take our time and energy. We become more focused on the getting and the using of our substance of choice. Responsibilities to other people and other activities become less and less important.

Fear of Judgement

When we have an addiction, sometimes we don’t show up. Sometimes when we do show up, people make remarks that rub us the wrong way. Sometimes they try to get into our business, and we cannot stand it. Sometimes they try to give well-meaning advice we do not want to hear.  And sometimes we feel like we are being judged. All these things make us feel defensive so we want to run. Or they make us feel so alone.

Isolation in addiction

Our brains are wired to protect us from harm even when we are not aware of it. So, we will avoid events, places, situations, and people that cause us pain. Even if we are not meaning to. In addiction, we struggle with negative thoughts and feelings.  And we use our addiction to numb those thoughts and feelings, so we don’t feel the pain and strong emotions that come with them. Isolating while using or drinking feels safe and comfortable, but it’s not helpful.

When we get to using or drinking in isolation, it’s a real risk. It is important to reflect on turning back the issues above and remember that there is hope and help out there.

Breaking up with addiction

To stop pushing people away and to have healthy relationships with yourself and anyone else, you have to break up with your addiction. Your relationship with your addiction will push all the other relationships you have away. It will take priority, and it will come first in your life.

To break up with your addiction, you have to accept it for what it is. You have to grieve it, and let it go. This may look like imagining your addiction seated in an empty chair so you can talk to it and say goodbye. Or this may be writing a letter to help you let go. Whatever action you choose to take, this will help you separate yourself from your addiction. So you can have a healthy life and relationships going forward.

The opposite of isolation is connection. And when you remove the isolating factor in your life, you can begin to connect with yourself and others. For some people, being alone does not mean that they are lonely. With addiction removed from their lives, they rediscover who they are—their hobbies, hopes, dreams, and goals. They find out who they were before their addiction, reconnect with themselves, and build the lives that they want to live.

Connecting and reconnecting with others is also possible when you break up with your addiction. If you don’t know where to start, you can lean into positive or supportive relationships with friends, loved ones, and others. It’s always important to remember that when you break up with your addiction you are learning how to have healthy relationships, so it’s crucial to give yourself grace.