How do I deal with my emotions when I’m sober?

In 12-step programs, the process of dealing with your emotions is called emotional sobriety.  To help you get and stay sober, you have to learn how to pay attention to and manage your emotions. We do this so we don’t turn to drugs when we feel bad. And doing so helps us have healthier thoughts and relationships with ourselves and others.

Emotional sobriety is all about self-care and giving back by helping others who are living with addiction. It’s about changing your belief systems and renewing your mind. You are a new person in recovery. You can manage life challenges without your addiction. And doing this will help you live your life to the fullest!

Emotional sobriety is hard at first

At first it’s hard because you must accept that you have an addiction. You must choose to stop the addiction, by surrendering to it and the control it has over your life. This takes an incredible amount of strength. But you can do it, and once you do, you will start maturing emotionally.

It takes time and practice

Recovery is an active-evolving process. It takes about a year of recovery to start feeling better emotionally. The first few months can be difficult because your mind and body are used to substances, and you are learning to live without them. The main thing is to stay in recovery.

Here are steps you can take to help you practice emotional sobriety and remain in recovery:

1.     Practice dealing with your emotions.
2.     Review your history from early childhood to who you are today.
3.     Get rid of  false beliefs you have about yourself.
4.     Forgive people that may have harmed you and forgive yourself.
5.     Make amends to people you have harmed.
6.     Get rid of all your resentments.
7.     Find someone like a sponsor or peer who can help you through this process.

Once you have recovered, you can start helping others who are suffering. This will keep you grounded. Learning what is supportive to you will encourage you to stay away from things that activate your addiction.

Mindfulness is a big part of it

During my recovery, I had a spiritual awakening. My whole life changed for the better. I became a new person.

Mindfulness is specific to the individual. It is about being one with yourself. Learning to react mindfully means taking your time before you react. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. This can be hard at first. Remember you have lived a part of your life seeking instant gratification through your addiction. Take a couple of breaths.

You may want to try different breathing techniques for panic attacks, anxiety or wanting to drink or use can help reduce behaviors and impulses. Or moving the body can help people release pent-up energy. This includes walking and gentle stretching through yoga.

Walking away from toxic situations takes practice. For example, if someone tries to start a verbal fight, you have the power to walk away. But it takes time for us to learn how not to engage. Furthermore, if someone invites you to a situation that causes you anxiety, you can choose not to participate. Or avoid it.  Talk to a peer or sponsor about the situation to get their advice on how to manage it.

Take care of yourself. You may think you “got to” do something about it, but the reality is you do not “got to” do anything. It is your life. Choose what is best for you.

Working on yourself

Be aware of your needs, boundaries, and values. Spending time learning what they are will help lead you to emotional sobriety. Again, work with a sponsor or peer through this process.

When you are having negative self-talk, you need to catch what you are thinking and compare it with what you know is right. Then change your thoughts. If you do not willfully set your mind on what you choose to think about, your brain will set it on something by default. This is usually on something that does not promote recovery. So, renew your mind to things that help you.

Work on any resentments. Resentments cause relapse in recovery. The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book states it plainly: “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” So, deal with resentments quickly. Talk to your sponsor or peer when you feel resentful.

Develop self-love for yourself. This can be extremely hard because of all the shame we feel because of things we did while addicted. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect. Focus on your good qualities by reciting affirmations about yourself three times a day. Morning, noon, and night.

Finding support and supporting others

You need to find support by connecting with others in recovery. The main thing is you want to find someone you can relate to, who understands your addiction, and what you are going through. They should have more time dealing with recovery than you do. They have helped others in recovery like yourself.

You need a sponsor/peer, a therapist, and a psychiatrist/addictionologist. Attending 12-step meetings like Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) can also help. At first you may feel like it is not for you. You are different from others. But keep attending meetings because you will start learning how they got into recovery and how they obtained emotional sobriety. Learn how to be accountable. How did they do it? How did they get to the point of helping others? According to AA, “Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.” It is so important because when you help someone else, it helps you.