How do I give love to others?

Giving and receiving love can be complicated and rewarding. It is a basic human need to feel love and to give love. But let’s face it, giving love to others is hard when you haven’t learned how to give and receive love and or when you factor in all the demands of everyday living.

Where to start when giving love

Boundaries are important when it comes to love. Abuse, codependency, enabling, or unrequited love are all unhealthy forms of love. These experiences hurt deeply, but understanding them can pave the way to giving love in a way that is healthy and rewarding.

Often, we give what we know. So if we weren’t raised in a loving home, then we must learn what we like and give others what they need. Doing what is best for others requires you to step outside yourself.

Here are some questions to think about that lead to an abundance of love in your life:

• Do you feel safe to give and receive love?
• Do you value loving others?
• Can you acknowledge love from others?
• How do you engage in loving behaviors in other ways that can give you ideas about how you love in romantic relationships?
• What are your barriers to connecting with others?
• How does connecting with others allow me to support them and help my mental health?

A way to start exploring love is to learn about yourself and your expectations, and to consider the person to whom you want to give love. In this way, you can develop healthy relationships and enjoy a lifetime of love.

Know Yourself

The more you know about what you like (things you enjoy doing, what you care about), the easier it is to express love to and for other people.

It’s possible to love someone even if you don’t know yourself, but doing this can put us at risk of giving and receiving love in unhealthy ways.

For example you might do everything a loved one wants and think that is what giving love is. Overtime, this one-sided relationship—you giving love and the other person receiving love, but not giving any in return—can build resentment in you. It also doesn’t give the other person the opportunity to do things for you. Love requires both giving and receiving.

Many of the ways we give love are tied to the way we were raised. Researchers and therapists call this our attachment style.[1] The way we are raised teaches us about how we perceive, give, and receive positive and negative actions (example: love and anger)

Reflecting on the way you received or didn’t receive love as a child can help you understand how you might want to give and receive love. The 5 Love Languages, a book by Gary Chapman, breaks down loving behaviors into 5 categories. He states that loving behaviors can be experienced through

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Gift giving

Although it’s a simple summary, it can provide a good starting point for reflection.

Trauma and love

But sometimes we encounter barriers to expressing love, for example, being fearful or insecure. Or we might put up a wall by being so self-reliant and feel like “I can take care of myself. I don’t need anyone.” Even needing the last word can be a barrier to love. These feelings can take up a lot of space where love can be. This can lead to anger, resentment and jealousy, leaving you with very little love to give.

Each of these barriers reflects a need for more development of self-love and compassion, so that you are not robbing yourself of connections with yourself or others. If we find it difficult to give and receive love, then it may be a sign that our emotional needs are not being met. And it may be worth it to reflect on what love really means to us.

Consider the other person

Allowing yourself to give and receive the emotional side of love requires vulnerability.

Being vulnerable can mean allowing someone into your inner thoughts. It means trusting someone as much as you trust yourself. And it can mean doing the hard work to hear when the other person is trying to tell you something about how you can do better.  This is easier said than done and often takes walking through the acts of love to uncover where we get stuck emotionally.

To act in love, you may consider how those in your life want to be loved. Instead of assuming others receive love the way we do or share our love languages, we can ask about theirs.

For example, your love language may be giving gifts, so you may want to give gifts to show love. But if someone else’s love language is quality time, then they may not appreciate the gifts as much as you want them to. This can cause frustration. So it’s important to communicate with another person to determine how they want to be loved.

Making sacrifices is also an important part of love between people. A give and take is frequently mentioned when talking about how to relate to a loved one. You may have to do what is hard, but it will be worth it.

Here are some ways to show your love and make the other person feel needed:

• Consider the other person and how they want to be loved
• Consider how often you show affection. Is the person you are with seeing the way you are showing affection and vice versa?
• Be honest and keep communications open.
• Practice repair (coming back together) in a way that is clear to both you and your partner

Giving love to others is important to your mental health and well-being. Starting with self-love and compassion will help you share your love more healthily with others.   It’s all about putting love forward and then reaping the bounty!

Show References