I hold grudges

Let’s face it—we all want to be in control of our thoughts and feel at the top of our game, or at least not at the bottom. But when we feel attacked or misunderstood, it brings up all kinds of emotions. Is it better or easier to call people out, forget it, and move on, shut down, or hold a grudge?

There are times in life when grudge-holding works in our favor and other times when it hurts. Exploring both the good and bad aspects of grudges can help us come up with a better way to handle them in the future.

When is holding a grudge a good thing?

Sometimes holding on to anger gives you a chance to reset and evaluate where you stand with the other person. It can act as a protection—giving you space to regain control, demonstrate power and validate yourself.

Here are some examples of ways we can turn a grudge into an opportunity for growth:

• You are sticking to your boundaries and not allowing others to take advantage of you. For example, if a friend disrespects you and won’t apologize, you might communicate that you’re hurt and what  your needs are.
• Grudges can allow you to take a step back when things get heated. Let’s say in an argument someone wrongly accuses you. Making time to assess and process information gives you the chance to think about the situation and come up with a better plan of action.
• Standing up for yourself are examples of practicing self-love and self-respect as well as asserting your needs. Not backing down when your first instinct is to people-please helps put yourself first and focus on what you can control.

Forgiving but not forgetting can go a long way in restoring the balance in a relationship. It allows you to speak your peace and maintain honesty. But remember, letting a grudge build to the point of blowing up doesn’t solve the problem. Taking time to compose yourself allows you to act rather than react.

When does holding a grudge hurt us?

Sometimes, grudges foster hate and don’t accomplish what we are really seeking. In these cases, we want to punish, get revenge, or change the other person, which is a natural response to feeling wronged.

Here are some examples of ways that holding a grudge can hurt us:

• Harboring anger and resentment can hurt you emotionally, physically, and socially. Misunderstandings often arise because of the smallest slight, like not being included in a group text or invited to a party. Grudge-holding can be exhausting and can consume us with stress.
• Fixating or ruminating on an event can prevent you from moving forward with your life. Constantly complaining may isolate you from others who don’t want to be around your negativity.
• Going over and over a wrong a friend has committed may feel like you’re punishing that person, but it keeps you stuck. Giving in to toxic thoughts is bad for your overall health.
• Holding on to anger can cause you to focus on revenge, leading to aggression. For example, wishing your adversary gets what they deserve increases the likelihood of ramping up your worst instincts to hurt the other person.
• Avoiding dealing with emotions or burying them is unhealthy and is not a practical solution. Trying to minimize your feelings when somebody hurts you doesn’t allow growth in a relationship.

Getting caught up in a cycle of bitterness ultimately hurts us. Holding grudges keeps us in a rut. Moving forward is healthy but not always easy.

What if you can’t forgive?

Moving forward is always the goal. Forgiveness can be hard, especially when the other person won’t admit they’re wrong. It’s deeply wounding when someone hurts you. How do you get over that?

Here are some tips you can try when it’s too hard to forgive:

• Name what you’re feeling, what you need, and how you can tend to that need
• Try seeing the situation from the other’s point of view
• Think about times when others have forgiven you
• Ask yourself if you would have reacted similarly in the circumstance
• Acknowledge and accept that the other person may not change views or behaviors,
• Confide in a friend, mental health provider, or spiritual leader.
• Realize that forgiveness takes time.

Remember, forgiveness doesn’t have to mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It means that you can focus on yourself and move on from the hurt. By embracing forgiveness, you can also reinforce peace and hope.

You may have to make a choice, and forgiving the person who offended you releases the power that person has on your life. You can forgive and not forget or come to terms with the situation so that you set boundaries.

Moving forward

Holding a grudge won’t automatically change the situation. Looking for a quick fix, ignoring the situation, or trying to change the other person doesn’t work either. It really comes down to you and what you can control.

Sometimes we are the ones who need forgiveness. And that’s okay! We shouldn’t judge ourselves or beat ourselves up about it. We may consider reaching out to those we’ve hurt with sincere regret and make amends. But we must also remember that we can’t force someone to forgive us.

Moving forward can help us repair relationships, let go of anger, anxiety, and tension, and feel good by breaking the unproductive cycle of holding a grudge.