I blame myself for my loved one’s addiction

You just found out your loved one has an addiction. You may be experiencing a lot of different emotions—shame, anger, regret. And you may even blame yourself. Why didn’t I do more? If only I had been there to support them more. If only I had been more vigilant, more aware of what they were doing. Or maybe you’re thinking if only I hadn’t had my own addiction, they wouldn’t be going through this.

All of these feelings are normal to experience when your loved one is using drugs or alcohol. Even though we have no control over our loved ones’ decisions, actions, or lives, it’s hard to have someone you love in addiction, but unfortunately a lot of times it’s easy to blame ourselves.

Acknowledge your feelings

I personally used to feel guilty for carrying and passing the gene off to my son, even though it isn’t in my control. I hoped that he would not have to experience what I went through with my addictions. At that time, I did not realize he was living his own life and making his own decisions.  It’s not easy to acknowledge these feelings but it’s a necessary step so you can be there for your loved one when the time comes.

It’s important to acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. It hurts and you just want to help.

For example, it can help to name if you’re feeling guilty. The truth is, you’re not responsible for someone else’s choices or behaviors. By reflecting, you might recognize that you feel guilty because you don’t believe your actions supported your loved one in making healthy choices. Maybe you feel terrible because of the way you spoke to them or because you wouldn’t give them money or let them stay over. Acknowledging your guilt can help you decide how you want to set boundaries while showing up for them in a healthy way.

You might experience anger or regret. If you can find meaning in those feelings, you can repurpose them into something that fuels your desire to help. Ask yourself why you have those feelings. Maybe you’re angry that you didn’t do certain things or regret not doing more. Tap into those feelings. Figure out what being helpful looks like now. Maybe it’s helping your loved one find resources or get to a support group.

With all the feelings you experience, giving yourself grace is probably one of the best things you can do for you and your loved one.

Accept what you can and can’t do

It’s tough to accept that you can’t save your loved one, especially because accepting doesn’t take the pain away. No matter how much you try to understand, it won’t change the feelings you have and are experiencing. Your best bet is to try to accept the situation for what it is.

Here are a few ways that you can do to accept your loved ones situation:

• Talk therapy: Sometimes just talking about the situation with a professional, who can give practical, logical and educational advice is helpful
• Journaling: Getting out how you feel on paper and re-reading can help you accept what you cannot change.
• Daily mantras or affirmations: Many people find some version of the serenity prayer helpful. Help me to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot.
• Family history: Be upfront with your loved ones about the family history with substance abuse and make sure they are aware of the consequences.
• Hope: Having hope that your loved one will find the path to recovery can be powerful if used properly.
• Learning: In a lot of cases education can teach you things that can help you to better understand and even let go of your personal feelings. You can also take classes to learn overdose awareness such as Narcan training.
• Lived experience: If you have lived experience with substance and/or alcohol use you can remember the process and what it was like. It’s okay to lean on your own personal lived experience as a source of strength for hope and to be support to your loved one.
• Support groups: Seeking a support group that understands your unique perspective is also very helpful. An example would be Al-Anon, a group for people with friends and family who have an alcohol addiction.

Honestly, you can’t blame yourself for what you don’t have control over. Accepting your loved one and their addiction is an important step for moving forward. Once you have accepted that they have a problem, you can begin to deal with your own personal feelings related to their addiction. Only then can you heal and be the right kind of support that your loved one needs.

Take care of yourself

One of the most important things you can do is take care of yourself. It’s hard on the loved one experiencing the addiction, but it’s also hard on you. You have to process your feelings and think about the best way to move forward so you can care for YOU in this situation.

Self-care is looking after your mind, body, and soul and making sure that you are healthy. It can be as simple as taking a walk. Don’t know where to start? This list of 50 self-care activities is a great read. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup and self-care is a necessary step in helping others.