How do I make sober friends?

Let’s face it, making friends is hard work, and making friends in recovery can be even more difficult. Rest assured though, you are not alone. You might be one of those people that says “I don’t need friends!”  Well, I’m here to say, YES you do!

Friendships can be very rewarding for both parties—with healthy common interests.  It’s a drastic change from being in friendships dependent on substance use. Friendships in addiction are based on the common interest of getting high.  In recovery, connections with friends are different. They aren’t based on addiction, but on healthy mutual interests.

What makes a good friend?

Good friends may only be in our lives for a time, but they can also become long-lasting relationships. When opening up to new people in recovery, you may want to consider what you’re looking for in new connections.

Here are some qualities of a good friend:

• Has common interests or is on the same “wavelength:” This could be a friend you meet at yoga, at a meeting, book club, etc. Having shared interests is one way that many people make friends. It’s also important to make sure that your friends respect your sobriety and healing journey. Meaning they don’t pressure you to drink or use substances.
• Trustworthy: Trust builds safety, and a good friend makes you feel safe. This safety comes from being able to be vulnerable and open with your feelings and experiences without worrying that your friend will hurt you. Trust also comes from respecting each other’s boundaries and your words aligning with your actions.
• Supportive: A supportive friend is someone who celebrates the good times and who is there for you in the hard times. They provide perspective, time, and care.
• Offers perspective or challenges you: In a real friendship, your friends feel comfortable challenging you or offering a different opinion without it hurting the friendship. And that’s how it should be. Good friends help to keep you accountable and want to see you grow.
• Loves and accepts without conditions: A good friend accepts you as you are and doesn’t ask you to change. The relationship is a mutual give and take, so they give love, support, understanding, advice, etc. as much as they receive it from you.
• Cares about your well-being: Someone who is a good friend cares about your safety and well-being. They check in on you to see how you are doing. They genuinely care about your feelings and health.
• Makes an effort to maintain the relationship: In a good friendship, reaching out to check in, talk, or get together is something that you both do. The relationship is reciprocal meaning that you both make the effort to keep the friendship strong and going.
• Respects your  boundaries, especially around recovery: Good friends respect your boundaries and don’t try to pressure you into doing something that feels uncomfortable. This is especially important in recovery. They respect your sobriety and don’t put you in situations that challenge it.

To make a good friend, we must also be a good friend. All the support, open, honest communication, and love that we seek from others we must give too!

Friendships should make both individuals invested feel good about the relationship. Choose your friends carefully. If you notice unhealthy behaviors, you can address it or decide if the friendship still feels right for you. Surrounding yourself with positive and like-minded people will support your recovery. When it comes to friendships, quality over quantity is important.

Where can I make friends?

Making friends may seem really hard, but it can be easy once you take the first step. Chatting with people in line at the grocery store, at the gym, a local café, library, or at a meeting is a good way to connect with others. A simple, “Wow, it sure is hot outside today”, can lead to exchanging information and an invite to connect over coffee. It’s okay to make friends in places you frequent often.

For example, some of your first friendships may be with people who you meet at recovery meetings like AA, NA, etc. They may understand what you are going through, and have similar experiences to your own. When making new friends at meetings, it’s also important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and focus on your own recovery first.

You can make friends just about anywhere you go. Just be yourself!  If you get along with someone, don’t be afraid to speak up and suggest coffee or another fun activity together. We all crave human interaction and we all need to relate to people for the goodness of our mental health. Friendships are a great asset in recovery and life!