Am I toxic?

If you are asking yourself, am I toxic, you might be afraid that you’re a bad person. Or, if someone called you toxic, you might be trying to figure out what that means.

All humans have the ability to be unhealthy or have toxic behaviors because we’re human and imperfect. What makes us able to improve is how we move forward with this new awareness.

While hearing this word can definitely be hurtful, it might be helpful to remember that it’s natural for people to want to use words and labels like “toxic” because it helps them make sense of the world. It might also be the only way they know how to tell you that your behavior is harmful or hurting them.

Hearing yourself described as “toxic” might even come as a surprise! Because sometimes we might engage in unhealthy behaviors without knowing it.

What does toxic mean?

“Toxic” means that you are acting in ways that don’t consider another person or how your behaviors make someone feel. This usually happens on a spectrum that can go from a little unhealthy to very toxic or abusive.

How do I know if my behaviors are toxic?

Some examples of toxic behavior can be controlling behaviors. For example, forbidding your partner to see other people because you’re afraid that they will leave you. And these behaviors extend to extremely toxic and abusive behavior, like physical, sexual, or emotional violence.

But, sometimes toxicity can be harder to spot, especially in ourselves. An example of this can be having trouble expressing our needs. Maybe our needs weren’t met in childhood, so we learned that we can’t state our needs because they won’t get met. Or we will be shamed for having them.

As we get older, we might not know how to express our needs, so we either don’t express them and still expect them to be met, or might express them in a toxic way—like through passive aggression.

Some indicators that a person’s behaviors might be toxic are:

• Little to no consideration for others’ feelings or needs
• Grudge holding
• Selfishness
• Experiencing out-of-control emotions
• Types of abuse like physical or sexual violence
• Lack of empathy
• Being very self-centered and invalidating others
• Openly pushing or ignoring another person’s boundaries

Insecurity and fear often hide underneath our toxic behaviors. These feelings can cause us to become defensive. Defensiveness can feel necessary in the moment. After all, we are trying to protect ourselves.

However, it can lead to more toxic behaviors like stonewalling, shutting down, not hearing another person’s perspective, or drawing conclusions out of anger and high emotions instead of calmness and understanding. There are both helpful and harmful ways to manage emotions, especially frustration and anger.

What should I do if I think I might be toxic?

If it sounds like you might have some toxic behaviors, it’s important to ask yourself these questions: “Where might this behavior have come from?” “How might this behavior be affecting me and my relationship with others?” and “How do I change this behavior?”

You can start to do this in a step-by-step way by first thinking back to your possibly unhealthy behaviors:

1.  What are the behaviors?
2.  When do you think they started? In childhood? In a relationship? After a scary event?
3.  Why do you think they started? What were you trying to get but didn’t? Is there a healthier way you can try to get what you need?
4.  Then ask yourself, and maybe even your loved ones, “How can I change for the better? Or “How can I show up in a way that feels better for both of us? What do you need from me?”

If you feel like these questions are too hard to think about, or you think that you don’t need to think about them at all, ask yourself why you might feel that way.

All of us have things to improve on. Part of recovering from toxic behaviors is also taking accountability and apologizing to the people you’ve harmed.

A low-pressure and private way to think about these things can be through journaling. If you’d like more support, a therapist or support group can also help you work through these thoughts and feelings. Remember, you don’t have to figure this out alone, and you don’t have to figure it out immediately.

Change is hard and takes time! It’s okay if you slip up or make a mistake. The important thing is to keep trying your best and surround yourself with people who can keep you accountable and supported. Everyone has the ability to be toxic, and everyone has the ability to change. Awareness, acceptance, and self-compassion are keys to moving forward.